mY naKed Thoughts

Filipinos around the globe are raising hell upon reading the column “The War at Home” written by Mr.Tsao in a Hongkong Magazine online. The column states “As a nation of servants, you don’t flex your muscles at your master, from whom you earn most of your bread and butter.”  referring to Philippines as the nation and Filipinos as the servants.

While Philippines disputed China over the ownership of the Spratly Islands, Mr. Tsao launched his tirade against Philippines to his filipina maid. He warned her sternly that if she wants her wages increased next year, she had better tell every one of her compatriots that the entirety of the Spratly Islands belongs to China. The poor maid who has nothing in mind but to earn an honest and decent living is now absorbing all the abuses of her master.

My sympathy goes to the maid for having a morose and a bonker employer. Mr.Tsao is just another person we met from everywhere. Haughty, racist, and a hostile boss. He can state his words about the Spratly Islands dispute but hitting Philippines at the expense of our fellow Filipina working on his bailiwick is below the belt. He’s acted like a child denied of a candy thus throwing his tantrums to the minority of his group. 

This issue unfazed me anyway. This is just a trifling matter need not be discussed nationwide. What actually disturbs me  is the issue under its surface. Why this malicious blatherings and misconceptions to Filipinos happen always?

In retrospect, The Oxford English dictionary has once defined FILIPINA word as maid. Then followed by a Greek dictionary with a similar definition of the FILIPINEZA word.

Darn! even if we howl loud that the meaning of FILIPINO is NOT domestic helper and/or slave. Even if we protest for a correction or demand a public apology for insulting the nation because they changed the definition of the word FILIPINO, the truth remains that the reason why they define us as such is the image we depicted to the world. Philippines produce more servants than leaders. More lowly ‘prone to abuse’ works than legitimate professionals.

Even if we educate Mr. Tsao and the rest of the world that we have a better  Manny Pacquiao than their weed smoker Michael Phelps.That it’s better to export efficient hard working filipino servants than their best melamine milk in the country produced by their fellow Chinese who pleaded guilty on the criminal charges against them thus officially calling  ”these” Chinese as criminals.  Maid is a better tag name than criminals though. Still, It’s no use to argue.

These are just water under the bridge. The real issue is very simple. We are enraged  hearing people maligned our nation but we didn’t see the logic of it. The causal connection is obvious. We are known as the nation of servants per Mr.Tsao’s opinion is because almost all domestic helpers around the world came from Philippines. Ergo, IF we produce more prosperous professionals working abroad then we need not disseminate information helplessly that FILIPINO word doesn’t mean domestic helper but an inhabitant of Philippines. It will correct the misconceptions by itself. Furthermore, we wouldn’t be pointing our fingers to anyone whom to blame. Action speaks louder than words as always.

Filipinas who worked as domestic helpers are extra ordinary, independent, empowered women. Against the meager income, they still strived to work abroad to sustain family’s needs. Kudos to these women. It’s unfair to let them feel that filipinos are embarrassed by being defined of their job description.

Mr. Tsao’s column though is not actually detrimental. It’s inspirational. It’s a challenge. A wake-up call for Philippines to educate these women into their highest potentials. We might as well stop stooping to Mr.Tsao’s level and start pondering matters productive to filipinos.

It is not true that Friendster builds bridges only, it does burn bridges too!

I have a long lost friend whom I found in friendster. She was my bestfriend in highschool. She has this snob-sweetness streak that’s kindof confusing. We seem to be on in an opposite poles (i just realized that now) She’s highly reticent while i’m shamelessly frank and with my innate charm and sarcasm too, we got along. She’s indeed a beauty. Pointed nose, brown eyes, voluptuous lips that seems beckoning someone. You could use her face as a bait. Put her on the hook and male populace will snap her.

In retrospect, We did had bunch of laughters when we were together and petty squabbles that were amusing. Together we decided to have our first relationships. We sneaked out from school and ran and played in their lush green farm like kids. We really had great time together not until I went to College and found new friends. Then I was abducted by an alien from outer space and He incubated me for almost a decade, got two kids.. and finally haven’t heard about her anymore.

Then the ever-resourceful Friendster came. I saw her profile last year. I can’t help but to bombard her page with greetings, comments and messages. I told her how happy I am to see her and I miss her and all the fun and joys we had in high school. I religiously visited her page to the extent of almost stalking her. I broadcasted to our common friends that I’ve found her Friendster profile.

Then one day, it’s strange that I didn’t receive any friendster updates of her anymore. So, I went for the hunt. Maybe she changed her name? Maybe I accidentally deleted her on my list?  or barred? or MAYBE, I’m the one who’s being deleted? Oh why?!  and reality struck and says, Yes, It is true. I’m  blocked!

I’m nonplussed! Have I done wrong to be blocked? I’m maybe the most misinterpreted person one will ever know. However, I’m sure I’m being extra careful with my words now to be understood clearly. I followed friendship’s golden rule, the ethnic of reciprocity “ Do not do unto others what you do not have them do unto you. “ 

Post script:

“I just don’t care if you still have your snob-sweetness streak or you’re more confused now or if you’ve changed your gender preference now. I respect your decision and privacy. I hurts me to know that you’re not considering me as good enough to trust all your flaws.”

I’ve lost friends some by death…

                       others by sheer inability to cross the street.

 ROY G BIV the rainbow colors. It has red, orange, green, blue, indigo and violet. When you are in love, the rainbow colors of love are splashing on the rosy road, warmth of the sunny day and freshness of the cloudy sky. Face is dressed with a plastered smile. You look great and you feel good. No bad news seem to affect you. You are single minded on what you feel. You are enchanted. You are possessed. You are indeed,  in Love.

Then, for some reason, love petered out. Colors vanished. The rainbow had left you with colors violet, blue and bloody red… plus, concussions and contusions, worst.. sutures and fractures. Because your lover had savaged you. Hell! you’ve saved your neck from the harshness of the outside world and here, the one who’s supposed to protect and taking care of is attacking you?!

Rihanna was in love, Yes! but loving oneself first and foremost is the essential test in determining your capabilities to love others and sure she had failed it by coming back to Mr.Brown’s arms. This love-battery affair of Rihanna and Chris Brown impinges my nerve, for I had a first-hand experience on this. Such ferocity of passion should be veered to right direction if only true love exists. As Rihanna sang on her famous Umbrella song..Took an oath,  stick it out till the end.. That no matter what happens, she will cling to her lover with her utmost ability. I know this is absurd but women can get used to the most vicious men, in time, and soon be reconciled thinking that it’s their fate to be a battered GF or wife. They even blamed their selves why they’re being hit!

I’ve heard vows of love like.. ‘Till death do us part.. or in sickness and in health..so on and so forth. If this is the sickness of my lover, He would better go to hell alone and does the rehabilitating there. I’ll break the freakin vow when he breaks my neck. Though I knew there are some good men who obliviously did bad things. It’s still safe to be away from those kind.

It’s not that I’m a feminist, but I see a minutiae of difference between Men and Women. Emotionally, men and women are perfect match for a melee. When man womanizes obviously the woman is hurt. When the woman does the infidelity, the man is hurt too.  :)  We are equal in emotion. We both can cause pain emotionally. Though the extent of pain varies to some men. Some hurt more coz  their machoism was impaired.

Physically, Our difference with men is, They have strong fists and we have long chic finger nails. That’s why we knew that to rumble with a man is a big mistake.

So why the hell, this barbaric passionate brawl often happens to any love relationships?  Do men think that we could give a fair fight with them? Do they took advantage of our feebleness? That they could punch women whenever they like to because they’re enrage with our gibbering?

Cease being daft woman! Whoever you are Rihanna alike, a piece of unsolicited advice. Be sharp enough never to pick a physical fight with a man. Stay away from this kind of species. Men like Chris Brown are not worthy for another manicure. Nor worthy to be loved.

When I got my sister’s message “Gud Am, I’m Pregnant” I don’t know if the short message service made it terse or the statement was purposely made as it was as to dismiss a rejoinder of discussing matters of having another baby.

It’s a fact that babies are the source of mother’s sheer unadulterated joy. Home is filled with music of their laughters, giggles, whinings and tantrums.  They made us laugh and be young at heart.

There was a saying “If you love someone, set it free. If it comes back, It is yours. If it doesn’t, It never was meant to be. ” Such adage made me realize that even though we are in the hub of a spinning world constantly changing and that we are uncapable of having something within our reach for long time and that everything slips off eventually.  Obliviously, We have something that even if we send them away, they’re still ours. They can never be separated from us beyond time, distance or even life after death. They are our kids.  Whatever happens they are Ours. That’s how having babies made things wonderful.

However, Everything takes two to tango. When babies give us joy. We should give them love and security in return. I wonder how Nadya Suleman took charge of her motherhood. Does she ever shudder upon thinking how will her 14 children live considering she’s a single mom with no work at all?  A friend once asked me, what are my fears? I answered brosquely, “foremost, not having a job…”  It’s so HUMILIATING begging other people’s help, asking donations and so you have something to put on your kid’s mouth. Im appalled with this Octo Mom’s callous face. She’s even got her children as her livelihood! This is a sly scheme of benefits to herself at the expense of her children. She has made her kids life a circus to be watched and preyed by media. Be tagged as Mom requires ton of responsibilities. It doesn’t end just by bringing babies to life but for them to live life as well.

There’s nothing wrong with loving & wanting children but it’s unconscionable to INTENTIONALLY bring children, albeit 1 or 14, into the world when you don’t have the financial, physical & emotional resources to adequately provide for them. Though I am guilty of not providing my kids a family they can call their own, I’m vindicated knowing that their welfare is safe and secured with me alone.

Mothers are real warriors indeed.  To fight for their kids welfare till their breath’s end. They shouldn’t be utilized  as pawn of a sly scheme or bait for big fishes to snap. I wonder what can we do to awake Nadya Suleman on her selfish delusional state.

As for my sis, Congratulations for another bundle of joy comin! and for the record, it’s not me who’s pregnant. No, Not now ,yet.

Opening salvo of the Ox year effects me with nerve-wracking realizations. Life’s ironies indeed sometimes are incomprehensible..

e.g.

1.) SISTERS don’t just girl talk each other.

    Education, age, blood relation and two years of not seeing each other aren’t enough reasons to pacify the impending outburst of pride and anger. I almost had a fist fight with my sister. Fortunately, thanks to the ALMIGHTY! it didn’t happened because her towering height of 5″4′ and me 5″1′ and her military training will surely make my face unrecognizable by my kids.  We just simply broke things and threw words painful to ears trying to shock the minority members in the family and grandstand each other showing who’s the better warrior and the most stupid of us. My son declared who’s the winner by saying.. ” Ma, you and tita are just wasting the things in the house “….. I guess, my son just can’t say it bluntly but I knew he meant to say.. Me and her tita are both LOSERS!

Post Script: 

Don’t worry, everything has ended well. Blood is thicker than water as always.

2.) BIG BOYS do cry.

    Crying isn’t my forte. I hated crying. I used to cry so easy when I was still with the father of my kids but when he told me.. “I used my tears to gain sympathy.” I tried to stop crying right then and there. I inculcated in my mind that crying will be the last recourse. It’s a symptom of vulnerability.  It will just reinforce my weakness. However, the ditch I built ain’t enough to hold the tears flooded on my face as I stepped on  plane leaving Philippines again.  I often told my kids not to cry when I leave, only when I’ll die.” It’s a shame for big and strong boys to cry,” I added. My kids had tried to refute it but didn’t know how to express the precise words they felt and so they just exclaimed, “Ma, big boys still do cry.!!”

Come to think of it, when I delivered my boys on earth. I remember I only got one prayer on mind. To hear them cry. Crying is essential to newly born infants. It’s the best way to determine baby’s health. Crying signifies strength..  Life!

Why the heck im thinking… crying is for weakling?!

3.)  When you fall in love, you actually.. FALLING…. or fooling!

Whatever the right word. Love suits for both. It’s like you disintegrates something in yourself. Giving a part of whatever you personally have. Your principles aren’t that clear anymore. Your personality is somewhat distorted. Your happiness is relied to other person.

Isn’t it scary?  but hey! sounds like I’m 18 years old! funny huh!

In a month I’ll be in Philippines. Soon, I’ll be with a boyfriend. Later, I’ll be choosing a contraceptive method then practice it perfectly without miss or else I’ll be in a deep shit…. screeeettcchh!!

am I too vulgar? Aww! don’t be mortified with my bluntness. It’s not that I’m planning a murder of killing a patient. I’m just planning my sexual life. Be a sexually responsible adult. I’m 32-soon. I’m not like 10 years old studying Sex Education in Schools now… Yep!

The Department of Education (DepEd) attempted to bring forward the program on “sex education”, which was seen as a positive step by the United Nations Fund for Population Activities. The plan was to integrate “sex education” to the general curriculum, beginning 5th grade, via subjects like Health, Filipino, Science, and Livelihood education. The objectives were to educate the young minds on the issue of overpopulation and raise awareness on the dangers of pre-marital sex, including “unwanted pregnancies”.

Heck! If I can’t abstain anymore, will they teach me contraceptives instead of abstinence? ( i mean, i know abstinence is a type of family planning too)  If I’m abashed with my vulgarity now even considering the fact that even there’s no rated 18 warning to the readers of this post, I know they’re above 18 already. What more if my spectators are just 10years olds?!

I once worked as a School Nurse back at my beloved  boondocks. Counseled and disseminated information discretely about sex education to high school students. What I’ve seen on their faces even with open and frank interaction is still malice. Albeit emphasizing the tailing responsibility of indulging on Sex, their focus is still on menstruation, ejaculation and contraception.

Indeed Sex Education is important. Letting the young people aware of the pros and cons of the act. However, introducing sexual awareness should be based on the level of understanding of the person and only parents know the readiness of their kids on such topics. Then I may suggest that sex education should instead be taught to parents than to their children.

I have emotionally intelligent boys (10 and 7 years old). They can even simplify life than my complicating of it. However, I still choose to explain to them that ” Babies grow from seed. The seed comes out of man’s prick and is planted in a woman’s cut. Then the seed grows into a baby in her belly, and when it’s ready, it comes out.” Maybe I could also stress out that their  body is their private property and are meant to be private. They should guard and take care of it because it is theirs. No one has the right to trespass their privacy or else they should report it to me. In the same way, that they should respect females private property also. When one would decide to share it to another person in due time. One should take it responsibly. I can not find a face to use when and if I’ll tell them about coitus, abstinence or worse.. Types of Contraceptives to choose from.

As a Mother and as once an educator as well, awakening awareness of 10 years old kids is like planning their sexual life at their young age. Allowing them to play like moths around the flame. The tendency of burning oneself is possible.  To be safe, Sex education should only be imposed to those armed with maturity and ability to comprehend thus targeting the goals of this activity precisely without miss or else, still, we will again be in a deep shit!

Let me count the ways

            Once a friend commented  “u people must have so much time to write such things like blogs…” this is actually his precise words. And this has drifted me to a total assessment of what I am and what are We People? 

First, my narcissistic views on that is, I blog to blagh!! as in kablagh!! or I just want to blah! blah!!  To define that properly, to make sounds (I have a bit nuisance character) or I blog because I want to cause waves. (do i sounds im having KSP syndrome  or lacking of attention bah? hehe!)  We can’t push the elephant so i may suggest a hoax to coax perverse people on the right track. The hoax is my blog. Haughty statement?  It’s actually like this. I believe, we can’t live long enough to experience and  learn all the mistakes and insanity of the world. My blog might be (hopefully) the medium of their unexperienced mistakes yet lessons learned. And I may suggest that you get the lessons I’ve learned in life too, that will be your clever move. The lessons are just simply sum up like this country song  I love must  “…I’ve been screwed, sued and tattooed, and I’m still standin’ here in front of you..”  meaning, No matter how life bruised you, the important is- one should stand and keep still.

Second, I love reading inspirational messages. in fact, it has been like bathing to me. I can’t live without it. Bathing as in scrubbing, taking the dirts off our weary, filthy spirit. The effects of bathing literally and my bathing of spirtual inspirational messages energize me.  I’ve read long time ago, “ Four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life : Intelligence, Friendship, Strength and Poetry. This is the reason why I blog also. Poetry gives fire to spirit, the source of my strength. I don’t know how to write poems because i’m not a Poet like my friend Glens. I don’t even have an impeccable english grammar like my friend Tale..  or write a poetic drama oozing with love like Cin. However, writing or venting what I feel in a rhapsody manner though  without music, made me feel I’ve reached the inner side of me. As if I’m looking at myself as me on the old vanishing picture and compared it to the latest image of me on the mirror. Therefore, writing made me deeply assess my self concept. What I was and what I am today.

Third, ” I blog therefore I am equal to You ” As my friend Dr. Mel states, Blog is a great social equalizer. Whether you are an Indiot (foolish or stupid), Ita (native) or an Idol(celebrity) or an Idiot, Ita Idol? Still we are equal. We communicate, we express ourselves. The title of this post is actually stolen from him.  If you wanna read critical, funny, sensible, entertaining and really informative blogs, You can visit his site http://thephilippinedailyidiot.blogspot.com .

If you’ll agree with me that the blogs of this site are interesting, you can further read more at http://www.theblogawardchallenge.com/2008/05/blog-challenge-7-entries-vote-for-your.html 

Lastly if my reasons still ain’t suffice the title-question, I need reinforcement then. Paging Dr. Mel!!

Post script:

I was thinking maybe the “People” referred by my friend are those who are called as certified bloggers? Those who write and earn from their scribes. Those who blog with critical, commonsensical, rational, and logical thinking. Because the label has a huge different to those who only want to blog. I don’t even consider myself as a blogger per se. In as much as, not all people who write can be labelled as Writers or Authors. I can write or blog a long list of my rantings and whinings and I can write as well a long list of my ”pasalubong ” to buy when i’ll get home.  Even so, that won’t label me as a Writer, an Author, or a certified Blogger. 

I think I’ll better ask my friend with what he meant with “the People” word.

I’m counting the days. Thirty-eight days more, im off to go. Masalam Saudi! Finally I can go out with friends soon even with a male companion without any muttawa (religious police) tailing and reprimanding us women to cover our hair and investigating our iqama (identification) if the man with us is a family or just a friend.

I remember a male friend way back Al Khobar days. He is with his GF in a Caf’e. Talking while having coffee. Suddenly a police came and arrested them for being together. One thing forbidden in the kingdom is not to go out with a male companion especially if he has a different surname. 

This is actually not the issue on working abroad. That is just a drop in the ocean. The real problem an overseas worker will encounter is how to handle one’s thoughts and emotions in a functional way.

When you are working away from home, your senses will be filled with emotions such as boredom, loneliness, longingness, and depression. These are not just mere words. These will rock your sanity and shove your real identity in a distant memory. You might be manipulated, brainwashed and indoctrinated by people who has the authority over you. You will no longer in control with the situation unless you know how to use your rights and stand with it. These are the reasons why the psychological examination in Philippines of going abroad is recently updated, and made more rigid because Philippines no longer want to repatriate overseas workers who’d left their sanity in the country they’ve worked with, worst.. some even their lives.

This is a sad reality. Philippines is a country overflowing with manpower. It’s people’s skills and abilities were denied and not utilized because they were underated, devaluated and unappreciated in Philippines. That’s why Pinoy’s were forced to go and slave abroad leaving their loved ones. Such mistakes of governing the country can’t be pointed to one person only.

I remember reading an article where Philippines once a progressive country. Was the second richest country in Asia after Japan. The reason why chinese migrated to Philippines, and why Philippines now is ruled by chinese businessmen. The rich history of Philippine democracy and independence cobbled under our feet are no longer remembered not even served its purpose. We are still crawling, groveling for help from other countries. Sending the brightest people abroad, doctors, nurses, teachers, etc.  Professionals and businessmen even migrated to other country because they no longer have the confidence living in their own country.

I just wonder, will it be safe for me to go home and not work abroad again?  Is it a wise decision to take chance and live in my country again? or will I just swallow my pride again working with people not even thesame smell of my breath?  be a second-citizen, the under dog, the yes-yes-yo slave…

I just wonder, will I survive in Philippines? Me? Of course! I’m aware that to survive in a country governed by not-so-altruistic people with inept leadership, I should foremost take responsibility of my subsistence. I just need some jack-up you know.

I have to make my own bones. So, help me God..

I’ve utilized all my collective knowledge and skills just to comprehend what these three women are trying to insinuate. Still, to no avail. Probably because the problem is, I’m just a normal person..

It’s our scheduled Doctor’s visit again. My health team came in full force with me, the old woman, old maid and the maid. I had readied myself already but at last minute I decided to spray perfume hastily all through my abaya and tarha. Then I went straight to the car to join the women. When I open the car door, i feel something was wrong. Their faces portray the opposite of mine. I was grinning and they were grimacing. The car seems instantly filled with miasma, I sense a dangerous foreboding. They look at me like I’ve done the most forbidden sin in the Kingdom- “Thou shall not covet thy Madam’s husband.”

” what happened? ” i said.

The Old Maid answers ” We are going to hospital, Why did you put perfume?”

 ….what the heck! as if I’m not the one who made the appointment, but that wasn’t the issue. I managed to voice out my mind properly. ” I know we’re going to hospital, so what’s wrong with the perfume?” I answered dumbfounded.

The Old woman interrupted with sarcasm, as always ” How dare you shower with perfume?! Are you not ashamed walking in the hallway with sick people around and you smells like a blooming flower?”

 …I understand I’m always the shock absorber of her life’s angst and so I’m used to looking at her almost wants-to-eat-the whole-me face. I just ignored her and aswered sheepishly with a low voice ” We’re going in the Out-Patient department only.”

The Old maid answered ” We are with a male Doctor today, don’t you know that if men see your bare hands and feet they will think you are an easy woman? What more if you’ll put perfume’s on? They will think you’re flirting with them!

… huh! i wanna answer her.. ” with just a perfume? I’m not  flirting yet!…but no, i kept my mouth shut.

The maid who sat at the back of the car murmured, enough that  that everyone could hear her grandstanding. ” That’s why I didnt put on musk..”

This conversation had left me looking idiotic standing near the car’s door chastened for putting on perfume. Apprehensive to proceed inside or go back in the house and take a bath.

Don’t you think I’m too cruel to myself being in this sinless city and for allowing myself to work with these people?

I always tell my kids to drink milk even they don’t like it. My vision of them healthy and strong can be achieved by taking a glass of milk everyday. It’s so ironic that they got a message from me telling them to stop drinking milk. 

It gives me goosebumps, scares the hell out of me reading BFAD warning to stop buying milk products from China. You may say, I’m just exaggerating to totally diminish my kids intake of milk. I always freak out if my kids safety are at stake. Can you blame anyone especially a parent, or a starbucks lover ( because obviously milk supplies of starbucks came from china) making fuss, getting paranoid of drinking the ever was healthy high protein milk?  Thousands of people are sick and babies died! will you still take chance to enjoy sipping your coffe with milk? ravishing the ice cream? or savor the taste of a strawberry  flavored yoghurt?

These cold-blooded companies are treating us like white mice for expirement! Putting our healthy lives in peril. Waiting for our reactions. If we will die or be hospitalized. Then they would stop expirementing how to cost cut at our expense. We’ve put our trust on them and they have fooled us. We are like taking vitamins oblivious that it was a poison., or going to a Medical Doctor for help and found out we are with a quack doctor. Such inept companies!

These 18 ruthless chinese companies have to drink all their products bottomless along with their family. We’ll see how they would react on it.  They are ego-centric people thinking only of their own profit even putting people at risk. They should be hanged to death in the gallows or be placed in a guillotine! Knowing that they had practiced this scam long time ago and yet they managed to keep it silent for the company’s benefit.

They are no better than those corrupt politicians who milked people’s wealth and them rendered spoiled milk corrupting peoples health. 

Everything has a price. From the air we breath to the water we drink, We paY. There’s no argument on that. That’s why it didn’t come to me as so shocking when I got the Insider News.. 

STUDENT AUCTIONS VIRGINITY SPARKS ONLINE DEBATE.

A student 22 y.o woman, from San Diego, California, who is using the pseudonym Natalie Dylan  is publicly auctioning her virginity to pay for her college education. The online auction site eBay turned her down so the auction will take place at a Nevada brothel, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, where her sister is working to pay off her college debts. She is hoping the bidding will hit $1M ….

An ordinary issue. The only  extra-ordinary on this is.. It is publicly auctioned. The woman is promoting it so heavily that it stirred moral and  social issues. Infact we have heard about Cherry-popping stories  long time ago, some kind of prostitution but no single soul reacted on it because it was  practiced discretely.

I wonder, Will there be a man willing to pay $1M for a virginity?  If i am a bidder, One thing I would look to the “stuff” i’m gonna buy is the quality. If the capital goods is the “Virginity”  then I want to know how the seller defines virginity? 

Does she define it as never had a sexual intercourse? But what about if there’s an absence of intercourse, no penetration indeed but had engaged in sexual malicious act like oral sex?

Does she define it as having an intact hymen? but not all girls are born with hymens.  How would I know if this woman had undergone  Hymenorrhaphy or hymen reconstruction surgery? 

Does she think when a vagina not penetrated sexually is considered a virgin? But what about anal Sex? Will she count that as still a virgin?

Furthermore,  Is sexual innocence a state of virginity? then I’d say being chaste is a virgin also . Chastity views sexual integrity in terms of faithfulness to a spouse rather than as absolute inexperience. Does the buyer prefers internal virgin rather than a technical virgin?

Natalie Dylan maybe thought that rather than spoiling her virginity at the back of the car with just some kind of a moron, broke BF, She might as well hit 2 birds in one stone. Earn and enjoy.

I look at this auction thing as totally absurd!  We can all be a capitalist using our skills and capabilities with our hands and head. How will you expect to have an educated, cultured self when from the start you never did use your functional ability to have your education? Why doesn’t she just value her virginity not with a staggering amount of $1M but with a self-respect and sensibility? I’m sure she’ll still hit it big time with a good husband who will not just support her studies, pays off her virginity but gives her dignity and treat her as person as well and not just a consumer goods.

Gosh! who believes being rational can give proper answers to  all things?  Please raise my hand again.!!

Life is crazy..huh!

“Oh,  baby! you are my magnet and I am your steel! Bring to me your leather, take from me my lace..”

 it’s raining again..

…after 2yrs of celibacy calling out my own name in my bed-built-for-one, expressing togetherness  alone, it’s kinda unsatisfying that it will only makes me feel worse in the end. Exclamation failed.

Why the only thing constant in this world is change?  Once you were a hot chick now you’re a frigid freak?! Was it my fault  to try to be an internal virgin? hehe!  or … is it just a rightful choice to see a man thru his heart not thru his pants?

Seduction speaks a lot of words. When a woman smiles, gaze, giggles, lick lips and aided and abetted by the wearing of high heels; then sways  back, forces buttock to tilt out and up and then thrust chest forward.. it signals a come on.  oh! those were just pretty easy play. To add more, a flirty mood, a witty hot remarks. That will knock the men off their feet!

Then, passion makes it worst. The burning touch, the woman’s breath..  sure, fire will be inflamed!  However, chastity and safety calmed them all.  The impetus that kept me still is this:  To actually have sex, one must not only be inlove but also in full legal possession of the other party’s medical records. Hold in your mind a vivid picture of a genital wart. (The Internet provides plenty, and I’ll tell you, they’re the opposite of pornographic.) Superimpose this image over the dashing smile of that cute guy you met. This should give you pause—a pause you can use to investigate whether the dashing smile is backed up by kindness, humor, honesty, and other qualities you probably want in a mate.

The advantage of this approach is that,  what you miss in casual thrills, you gain in long-term compatibility…  and i guess this will serve enough to pay my unsatisfaction of being alone for a longer period of time.

It’s been almost a month and all I could say to my impatiently waiting Boss about my contract renewal is.. ” I don’t know ” My keen intuitive power which i’d developed is useless! I’m still stuck on this dilemma. These ambivalent feelings towards my work has been making me anxious and stagnant. I’ve been talking to myself again lately hoping that i’ll get some  omen or at least an innuendo that says “Hey! don’t be chickened out, you will not screw-up with this, try this approach…”

My ID has been telling me to go home and spend time with my kids, have some fun with family and friends. Travel, be struck again with selfishness like what I did  when  I went to Singapore and  Dubai.

…. But then my EGO knocked my head off by saying.. hello?! Have you forgotten you have a ton of responsibility on your shoulder? Kids are getting bigger and so everything in Philippine’s goods are in rocketing prices. You can’t just dawdle around or sit on your butt doing nothing. It’s a shame to be a bum your age! You need to earn , you’re not used to rely to others, right? You need money of your own, everyone needs it to keep life’s rolling. Though i understand u’re just human, needs to be happy in life. You can do what you want. Forget what i’ve said.

My ID retorted, ” Oh! maybe I better peddle my ass if only the sole reason of my working is to earn money. Yeah! I deserve to be happy with my job.. and can’t you see? I’m not happy! I haven’t even seen myself smiling these past days. It’s hard to talk with a psychiatric depressed patient everyday.. huh! 

My SUPER-EGO came to rescue my sanity. Hey! Owen, I thought you have been reading books on valuing oneself? That above all things, what matters is yourself. Where are those practical approaches you practiced answering on the book? That you have to define your authentic self? Declutter life? Doing what makes life fulfilled internally? Are all those just mental masturbation? You have to decide and apply pragmatism in real life.. here’s a hint–

” If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.”-Jonathan Winters.

…Huh! I think I’m killing myself slowly with these rhetorics… i might as well eat my dessert first.

I stared at the zenith, there’s no moon tonight. Only stars and an image of a lizard coming towards my way with it’s sounds booming through my ears. Airplanes at different hours of the day is a usual scene in the kingdom. The air is humid, I hate the greasy feelings it brought on my senses. I remember thesame smell of the air when I was staying at my cousin’s house in Tondo, Manila. I like the people in Tondo, though they’re not nice at least they’re real, not wearing social masks.

It’s 4:45 am now, the sound of the Salah Fijr filled the entire City. It signals the people to wake-up. In a moment, Men are thronging all the streets towards one direction- Mosque.

Today is the 2nd day of Ramadan. Everyone is feeling pious and ethreal. Everybody had greeted me and asked how am I. Everyone in the house is fasting. They abstained on food, drink and sex until the sun sets. Unlike me, I eat day and night. Shameless to the people around me who are starving to death. My friend Ren even asked me for he usually caught me eating chocolates while chatting- “Aren’t you monitoring your weight?” I answered him with a grin- “nah! only if my face resembles a platter, then I would be concerned of my weight.” About the fasting on sex, oh! I’m still suffering from EAS or Extended Abstinence Syndrome.

Seriously, the spirit of Ramadan have a positive impact to all the people in Saudi. People are nice and friendly. Positive even to non-Muslims because  Eid is coming- meaning bonus will be given.:) Arabs are well known of their generosity especially during Ramadan.

Sometimes I wonder, what if every man on every family in the Philippines is religious or spiritually inclined, will there be a difference in my country now? I had read before, A man devoid of religion is like a horse without a briddle. I wonder more, Does religion really can save a person? as what every existing religion on earth claimed or Is there really a God? (now, this sounds disturbing)

When I first met a self-proclaimed Atheist friend, He bluntly stated, He doesn’t believe there’s God. I was appalled with what he said. But then, people are entitled with their own opinion and so I respected his belief. However, I couldn’t help asking, “Don’t you have faith?”

On my naive mentality about spirituality and religion, I choose to be spiritual than to follow any religious practice and prudence. When you are in a community of only single belief is practiced, you will eventually be confounded of your own beliefs. Some are even pressured of converting their religion so they can avail all the immunity or favors of being one of them. Sticking on my faith is like basking in the sun. Heat of the sun that I can’t avoid. Though it had warmed my skin but only until there, superficial.. It never penetrated through all my system.

I actually don’t know what is my religion. I have been indoctrinated  by several methodical sects long time ago however I don’t feel I’m like a horse without a briddle because I feel I have faith. I believe there’s a Supreme Being. Whoever He or She is, I believed a Divine power is there whether He/She is in universe or within us. I believed there is God, and my God resides on me and my God taught me to be human and act humane .

Whenever I received an invite of hearing any talks about religion which is a very common happening to filipinos here, I would always quote to them the words I stole from Abraham Lincoln—

“When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion”

….and you see, its damn effective!

My friend Jean told me, I have a complicated life. In my defense, I retorted, Yeah! I HAD a complicated life. It wasn’t all bad, those almost a decade of 8 wasted years…

Because God never slams a door at your face without opening the roof of the house, or a group of Christmas carollers at door step (or however that old adage goes) A lot of things happened to me on that pit.

I was young, still a green-horn in life though oozing with idealism which was still not gnawed by the insanity of the world yet got flummoxed by the enormosity of the word LOVE, or maybe it was just an infatuation or lust mis diagnosed as pure love or whatever it was , The tumultous relationship i had, gave me fortitude and equanimity. A friend told me she defines her broken marriage (due to her husband’s womanizing) as her downfall. I would rather look at mine as my evolution. A woman with strength and power is born and now taking control over her life.

Then, it had also given me P&J. My amazing, emotionally intelligent kids. Just last occasion they greeted me Happy Father’s Day. I exclaimed, “I’m not a father!” but Paolo the eldest said, ” You’re both our father and mother” My heart had almost skipped a beat. I wanted to cry and sail the pacific ocean that  instant to be with my kids, but I can’t. So I settled by asking them ” Want to watch movie or go to Jollibee to celebrate?” and they answered, “It’s ok Ma! How many sleep more, then you will be home? I replied, ” soon baby, soon..”

I remember an inspirational story i read long time, about the 20$ bill was found on the floor. It was crumpled, half torn, squalid looking maybe due to people who has it before, passed from one hand to another. But when people were asked who owned the money? Everybody wants it. That’s what we are. We will never lose our value. We might have been torn in pieces but our wholeness and our worth is within us.

When Oprah said, There are no failures, only lessons learned. It opens my mind. Of course, she did not said it to justify all the futz she did when she was younger. An unwed mom at 14, eventually her baby died just a week  of living. But i understood she said it, correlating all the experience she had on her life. That’s how I think that scarred people are beautiful. The passion to life, the empathy to people, the downs and falls, all the collective emotions will make the person understand the reality  of life.

Let’s live and learn.

It’s funny that at my jurassic age of 32 soon, I just begun to consider other people’s opinions for any decisions i ‘ll make.

On the contrary, when I was 19. I thought I can live my life alone. I eloped with a man 11 years my senior. My family condemned me. Totally disowned me to the extent that they wanted to migrate to other city. My community was aghast. These are not exaggerated words. Indeed, If people regarded a person with high respect and expectations.. and in one fleeting moment she’s busted! Sure, you can’t expect anyone to still imbibe you. People will vomit you!

My community had elected me as a Youth’s Chairman had beat up three male running mates. They were thinking and expecting I could be a responsible leader and a good influence to youths. Well, I had played politics good I had made our youth’s community as number one in our city during my term, (their other expectation, I think i didn’t met it) then with a graceful exit, I abandoned the post and ran away.

To further the story, the relationship with the man i eloped with who is actually the father of my kids, was a disaster. A tumultous relationship. We used to follow our theme song ” let’s get physical”  and everyday, we religiously sung it with bruises. It took me eight freakin years to pull myself out of the shit.

Modesty aside, I survived it all. I gain myself back and have proven my worth again to people.

It’s just so ironic that im in a situation right now, where a respectable man asked me if he could visit and spend Christmas with me (just visit huh!) I now could not make up my mind. As you see, I have always been on mettle  during a long time massive lifestyle upheaval and now I can’t decide for myself. I panicked, like a school girl. To make it worst, my parents seems has already ended their  guarding responsibility of me, has washed their hands off and said I could take care of myself now thesame way I took care of bunch of people at home.

My father will sure not ask the man now with challenging questions but I realized If I truly want to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian.

Although my self-concept is still intact, soliciting advice and asking for my family’s approval now (though i’m not really comfortable doing it) is not a symptom of meekness. I’m just trying to be safe.

Better safe than be sorry again.. rayt? besides, I had almost annihilated my intire family in our city because of the trouble i made. If i’ll strike another one again, my family will sure gather their collective efforts to buy me a one-way plane ticket to planet  Mars. That’s spooky. huh!

There is that rosy glow in the sky again.The full moon I’m staring at illuminates the entire area I could set my eyes on. It gave me warmth, a sense of belonging on this strange country. The fact that I’m ten thousand miles away from home, I still felt home is within me.  Stars has always been so sympathetic of what i feel. It kept me company on my melancholic moments. I even called it as my harmless insatiable impeccable lover, for it never leaves me. I’ts there, just a stare away.

Right now, standing next to the parapet of the 5-story building.I’m lost in my deep reverie of what happened yesterday. They wanted me to renew another 2-year contract. That is supposed to be a simple Yes or No answer yet i’m in a total dilemma of what to decide. A contract renewed meant almost doubling my compensation. Fair enough for my hardwork (actually the work ain’t hard but being her shock absorber is.) Good enough for my patience to this emotionally, physically mentally unstable patient. It isn’t enough to compliment my absence at home, though it will work out.

However, these are not the reason of my aprehension. I’ve long been working out a plan. I’ve been a Private Nurse for half a decade and I dont have a plan of serving the other half more. I want to take my licensure board examination to finally become a Registered Nurse  (since I eloped soon i graduated and never found time to take the exam after that) but the nearer i get into pursuing it, the stronger the need and accessibility of work beckons me. Part of myself has told me, I don’t have to do it.. because that is not really what I would like to be. I don’t feel working in an alcohol smelt facility. I would rather be staying under the heat of the sun doing community service, the work i loved most. But part of it also says, i’m a liar. I could no longer bury my head on the sand and hide in denial. The truth is, if I admit, that the job that i have now is no longer what I want will sure make a huge change on everything. Besides, I know at the back of my mind, what stops me of pursuing what i want is my fear to fail.

I remember my brother Randy. Two years ago, A drunk motorbike driver had hit him, his body was tossed on air with the head came first to the ground.  He has bloodclots on the brain, unable to identify us all. It still shudders me remembering his blank face. But what I really had not forgotten is his courage to surpass all and get back on track again. He had stayed in hospital for a week. Nourished with ton of medicines. Rested at home for a week and alas in two weeks time..he’s up to go! He enrolled on second semester in his 3rd year and walked like a Zombie in school. He was all white..pale! I was with him..worried. I thought that time, He really is motivated in realizing his dream.

It got me to my thinking today, my fear to fail is the reason why instead of me working out my dream, I’ve supported my brother in all his financial needs because I want him to reach it for me.

Sometimes I wonder if Ants are more stable than human being. They’re on my feet now, I don’t wanna step on them because I know they will fight till their breath’s end. These little creatures are mighty warriors in life too. I just stood still and got amused with the way they walk, like with a single line that has to be followed. Kissed or bowed when they meet their people. What really got my attention is they’re resourceful enough to find other way and get back on track again against my wanton blocking of their way.

Unlike human, unlike me, just with a single slap of misfortune and confusion. I’m down. I lost my focus, my purpose.

But I know, I’ll get by. I’m just in a U-turn. I’ll be on track again racing for my dreams.. getting what I really wanted in life.

God’s will.

The art of Jack the Ripper’s killing took me to an awe! He practically hacked his victim’s face, ripped throat from ear to ear and savagely mutilated his women victims. Yeah, he’s only after to women. It brought chills through my nerves. whew! That’s how he got his title.. The most famous murderer of all time.

But im not afraid of Jack the Ripper. He’s not a friend nor we are acquainted to each other. I’m quite leery to strangers so I’m spared to his terrible killings. I’m actually afraid to my friends, to my boyfriend and to my family. They are my beloved. Though they can’t rip my throat’s off there’s one thing that they could do more harm to me than just physical pain.

When you had given all your trust and faith and unexpectedly he/she turns his/her back at you. When u finally disarm your fortress and  he/she drops you, cheat on you, stabs your back. When u welcome him/her in your life and he/she’ll mess it all  without you knowing it.. without you having a single suspicion on it. Our naivete will put us in a bloody hell. Indeed, BETRAYAL is the worst thing on earth.

I personally loathe traitors and users whatever their reason is.  A family who only think about self is a trash. I Condemn disloyal friends and dishonest boyfriend. I would rather be the villain having the reputation of a bitch than profess angelic deeds with sinister motives.

Betrayal is like digging your own tomb, going inside and waiting to be buried alive or You gasping for an air to breath and someone your beloved brought an Oxygen tank with a carbon monoxide on it.

Emotions are precious investment. When you’re wrong with whom to invest, It will leave you into bankruptcy of feelings, nothing to give to others and to yourself.. Faith withered, love vanished. There’s no greater pain than a friend sold you out. A husband denied claim of your pregnancy. A mother left baby on a trash can. A father raped a daughter. It feels like your throat ain’t just ripped off but heart butchered as well. Betrayal is a slow death. Savoring every moment of hatred, pain, regrets and vengeance. That will sure scare the hell out of me. How can you take avenge with the one you once loved, trusted and shared your life with?

In our lives, we even had betrayed ourselves everyday. When we said we hate our job and still we stick on it. When you know he doesn’t love you and yet you keep on clinging onto him. When you know you deserve better things in the world, not just being a battered wife, or a manipulated girlfriend, but you are afraid to try, to get out from your comfort zone. When you thought of saying NO but aloud u said..YES. That is Self betrayal. When are we gonna wake up? When do we choose to stop hammering our head? When do we start loving, taking care and being true to ourselves?

As i had asked myself always, Self-protect or snap the bait? Trust or bid them goodbyes? Decisons are all just based on our senses. Indeed there is no safe place on earth. Life is full of risks. The important thing is which risks are the ones worth taking. Life is always worth a try anyway. That’s how it always goes.

Thru blind date you meet him. He’s a dandy. Tall, a real hunky. He got the most tantalizing eyes you’ve ever seen. He smiles at you with pearly white teeth disarming you with his charm. He gives you flowers, pulls a chair for you. He’s a perfect gentleman. He says it’s nice to have met a real beauty like you.. and you blushed, heart beats fast, and you secretly giggling with excitement. He is an amusing companion. He showers you with admiration.. and you’re all eyes on him, hearing every word he utters. An instant compatibility strikes! and you heard yourself whispering… i’m in love! i’m in love!……Toink!

Wake up girl! it’s too early to conclude you’re in love.

Let’s talk about love for a change. It’s a good omen. Everybody says it’s a wonderful feeling to be in love so maybe talking about it will make us exultant compared to my previous post which gave me a sense of foreboding. ehehe!

According to Mother Theresa (in case you don’t know her, She’s a Saint) The greatest Science in the world in heaven and on earth is Love. So what is the Science of Love? (wish there’s Bachelor of Science in Love where I could study so I won’t keep on picking up pieces of my broken heart everytime I failed in love. By the way, I’m amazed how God made our heart so great that it’s the only broken thing that still works.)

Let’s delve the word Love. Love to God (Agape), to family and friends (Phileo), and to oneself (narcissism?). These are all easy to comprehend. What made the word Love an abstruse word is love to an opposite sex because it combined with the complexity of the feelings involved thus making it difficult to consistently define.

In the love story, You’ve concluded you’re inlove.. and I’d said, not too fast, because there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Well, I believe there’s lust at first sight. People are lustful. Earth is filled with lust. errr.. put eyebrows down first please.I wasn’t saying you ladies outhere are flirts and men horny all the time.That’s a good recipe though in stirring you to anger mode..ehehe! If I may state my side.

In Chemistry, Biological models of sex tend to view love as a mammalian drive, much like to a hunger or thirst. Love experiences are divided into stages. Lust as the first stage. The initial passionate sexual desire that exposes people to others. This involves the increased release of chemicals testosterone and estrogen. Attraction follows which develops out of lust as commitment to individual mate forms. Brain consistently release chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine, etc.. they act similar to amphetamines stimulating the brain’s pleasure center. These explains why one is on an extreme moods when in love. However, like ingesting drug amphetamine, the effect also subsides. Increased levels of these hormones will return to as they were one year after. When these reactions to love mellows, different areas of the brain are activated, primarily one’s involving long term relationships. The last stage in love is attachment. This is based on commitment such as marriage. The time when you and your partner are on your own. How one will behave in his/her relationship is based on his/her concept on love.

In our relationships, time will help us tell if we are in a lasting love.. or just in lust? or simply on attraction. As we’ve just found out the fact that the romance we had experienced were only  products of chemical changes that are temporary.  Will you still be willing to commit your lifetime?

Love, albeit all efforts of Science defining the word on its deep meaning, rationalizing every emotion one’s felt… we ignored it all. We still believe that love is a magic. That every love affair has a wonderful story to be told. We still believed in love at first sight and whirlwind romance is an amazing story.

Come to think of it, we even believed that love lives in our heart, well in fact, it’s actually in our brain and hormones. I guess, it’s just realistic to say that when a man proposes marriage to his girlfriend.. he would better say,  ” I love you with all my brain and hormones, will you marry me? ” LOL! Funny though!

Probably, for love to last a lifetime, We better merge fantasy and reality. Indeed, love is magic but you have to be the magician. Work things right to keep the spark shining.. the fire burning. Love will last for a lifetime only if desired to do so. It’s both your choice. It’s wonderful to dream but we have to face the reality that not all love stories will live happily ever after. 

But you know what’s great about falling in love?

It is the best way of knowing that we are human..  capable of making mistakes, hurting and loving still.

I wanted to recoil in fear that my friends would attack me with atrocious words. I’m glad that they didn’t react the way I had expected upon seeing the sensitive picture i had posted. I even had words on mind to retort if someone would admonish my audacious nature.

Posing half naked or nude in an artistically manner is a total aberration to filipino women. The question of where can we draw the line between art and obscenity kindles debates from culture to culture, individual to individual especially to feminist society.

The painting of ROKEBY VENUS is the famous example of female nudity. It is the picture of the most beautiful woman in mythological society. Some people adored it, some hated it to the extent that militant suffragette Mary  “slasher” Richardson had walked in the National Gallery and attacked the canvass  with a meat cleaver. The fact that we do not know when we can wave censorship to a pornographic picture because it is a work of art addled my brain.

Obscenity i digress, is disgusting. A taboo. But, when can we say that the image is nasty or tastefully painted or taken?

What perplexes me more is the growing number of country that approved the Same-Sex-Marriages. Is this an obscene act or not? This is one of the reason why crafting a legal definiton of obscenity present a civil liberty issue.

It seemed to me now obscenity is the cousin of morality. Both have an issue of territory. Which is normal? Which is not? Both are at our own perspective.

Huh! Who believes life is fair and simple? please raise my hand.