mY naKed Thoughts

I’ve wolfed 2 bars of prince chocolates, large sized Doritos chips, a pack of Oreo biscuits and downed a can of large coke. Yet the idea of what topic to blog about still didn’t kick on my dead brain. I’ve been blog/news trotting to and fro still nothing has gotten my interest. Instead, I worry if I still could be in a deep slumber after all the gastric contents I shoved with glut in this 30minutes hour before sleep.

What has actually bugging me all day is the lavish shopping I did. Having spent half month of my salary for clothes, shoes and bags brought an acid feel on my stomach. The sudden change of reading interest from self help articles to fashion and style updates is alarming. I’m not having fun anymore looking at what I bought, I’m having a headache instead. I’m not a materialistic person, well, that’s if I’ll be compared to others I knew of.

The guilt feeling caused by my impulsive shopping secondary to longingness hits a nerve thus a punitive action was self-rendered, the over eating took place. Aren’t I entitled to enjoy what I earned? If Yes, then why do I feel I’m about to sell all the dresses I just bought? Why I can’t seem to see to some independent women like me, the regret of buying a Wallis little black dress that looks like just a freakin cortege dress? Am I normal to feel this way?  Or am I just an ordinary person looking for extra-ordinary things seen not in the shopping window?

I must admit, material things sometimes validate our self worth. It’s an investment that promotes pride. However, in this time of global recession wherein some people die in hunger, could you dare to buy a Louboutin shoes without the usual tugging feeling of your conscience?  or wouldn’t you inch your thinking a little open then?

If the moon takes it’s place tonight, It will be the first day of Ramadan. I’m not much into religious activities but what really amazes me is when good muslims share their blessings to the needy. In the family I worked with here in Saudi, we have at least twenty boxes of (used and unused) dresses and groceries and sacks of rice to be given away. I salute them for that.

In Philippines, people are raising hell because the President professed it’s undignified to eat in a fastfood chain when the party was in US thus veering them to Le Cirque restaurant and paid a staggering $20,000 for a single dinner. I don’t know how the President defines “dignity”  and how does the word relate to restaurant preference. Obama however ate in a fastfood resto while our Pres.GMA went to US bringing a bowl of loan application and we had the nerve to pay exorbitant price for a dinner?huh! Thus i’m casting an askance look for that.

In my own affair, I figure the reason I feel guilty  is because I know that overseas workers’ works are not for lifetime. The need to save money is the primary goal and not on the indulgence on material things because every moment we’re away from home, we paid big time. Our absence when kids are growing can’t be compensated by anything. Thus, we have to make the most of what we earned. There’s no such happiness to be with family again. Nor any signature brands can pacify the longingness one feels.

Anyhow, your affair isn’t mine. I don’t wanna be a kibitzer as of the moment. Though the lesson I got from this examining is to make the most of what we have. Whether it be financial, physical, emotional resources,don’t wear it out. Let it be productive as always and/or save it for future better uses.

Since young I’ve always wanted to stare at the sky. Be illuminated by the glitters of the moon and stars and be basked in the sun rays of summer days. It brings delight and warmth on my senses even by just imagining it. My mother used to reprimand me how weird I am to sleep in the roof of our store. Now, here I am again in my fave abode where my solace is, brooding.

In our life, It’s a choice if we want to reside in a place of desperation and anger or we can literally give ourselves a space to breathe, to feel alive, to pause for while and wipe off the destructive emotions that overwhelmed us. To mull over the choices of to be strong or to be miserable. When in the end, the effort exerted following both these choices is still the same.

I believe what shatters a person to it’s core is when no one values her/his presence. Indeed an ego should be fed. We all wanted to be heard, to be acknowledged how good we are but be over ruled by ego is like driving in a car with a gigantic, puffy bag in front. We can’t see anything. We can’t see around us or under us. It’s just the bag that blocked our vision. The bag is ourselves.

Ourselves that’s filled with anger, pride and unforgiving spirit. It burdens us. It consumes us. It endangers the real us. It lets us forget who we really are. Being taken over by anger is exhausting. Why not drop it anyway?  Nurturing all those bullshits is similar to a dog licking in an empty can, we hurt ourselves. We deserve more than that.

A loved one told me, she can’t bury the hatchet, her sufferings will never end. Indulging to anger as my bro said, is just showing how weak we are. For me, anger is just pride.  Both obscure the pristine views ahead of us. It snaps off the lamp of our intelligence. We can’t think good, all we know is to express it in whatever way we can. Yes, we can’t control our anger, our emotions but we have a total control over our reactions. Why torture yourself? Why choose to be miserable when we can be happy?

Let’s navigate ourselves on the right track. Take a breath, pause, have a clear view of things and drop the whole ego thing, will you? Besides, casualty of anger is always ourselves, Why not concede defeat if that makes you a winner essentially? No one gets fat swallowing an ego anyway. Slurp it all and just fart it out. Yeah, do it! that’s better.

One of the most difficult things to think about in life is one’s regrets. Something will happen to you and you will do the wrong thing or nothing had happened and then you do something wrong, and for a moment afterward you will wish you done something different.

For instance, You didn’t actually plan of sleeping with him, did you? But the alcohol you drunk made you do the contrary. Adding insult to injury, you’re not sure if it’s your fertile glory days. So the nervous-giddy sort of feelings after the indulgent on stupidity are seem like, you wanna pee but you can’t and your spine is shivering and temple breaks in cold sweat then you’re filled with overwhelming regrets, you wanna hit you own head and say, damn! I should haven’t done it! 

For sometime I regretted some amiss behaviours I did. No, not the one written above though. I regretted nevertheless those things that I didn’t do in my life. Precisely, those words that were unsaid and deeds undone. So, I take time to be mushy now not to end this day too regretful to bear.

My brother wrote on his post, “We are a family of denial.” For me, it’s a misnomer, the denial wasn’t the inability to face unpleasant realities but we deny showing our love to each other. It’s not that we lack love, it’s just that we are not so soft-spoken to say “I love you” to each other. The only thing that merits in us is, when time gets rough, we have each other. My Ma & Pa, I know they’re hands off me already because as they said, I can never be driven by anyone but me. Yet, I still miss being pinched when I prattle too much. My siblings, my austere critics, I know it’s hard to follow what I say and ignore what I’d done. but hey! I’m not totally useless, you know. I can still serve as a bad example. My family, I love you and I actually want to hug and kiss you all. (yaiks! aren’t I too melodramatic?)

Second, I regret not being able to read bedtime stories to my kids. I know they’re music lovers. I hear all the music videos they forwarded. Im touch to know that they’re swayed by sentiments revealed visibly in the lyrics of their fave songs. I sing melodies with them in spite of my being tone deaf. However, I can’t figure a way of reading stories to them before sleep because of time zone differences. That made me feel helpless. sigh!

Third, I regret that I don’t know how to swim. I finished my Disaster Nursing course courtesy of a classmate who pulled my hair up so I will not drown myself and be the lifesaver not the patient. I hardly remember who that classmate was. Anyhow, she saved me. Thanks!

Fourth, I apologize all the caustic remarks I made obliviously or consciously. I just realized, i’m always defining my mediocrity whenever I stoop on something that I don’t agree about. Besides, isn’t it a useless effort to argue with someone who’s ideas you don’t even respect? 

Lastly, It saddens me thinking that I only get to know great people online and not being able to see them personally. Friends who found time reading my nonsensical posts. With people’s smart mind’s view around me, thanks for expanding my vision. 

Indeed, I have regrets. The list is long, short attention span reader maybe bored so I named few. Though, it’s not the end of the road  yet, I’m taking my time acknowledging them now. Who knows, I won’t be having regrets anymore instead I’ll have something to be grateful about.