mY naKed Thoughts

I was in a total mess the past days. I’ve been roughed up again by one of my negative obsession in which most times I counteract. However, for some reasons I allowed my kindof  insecured being to prevail this time. I guess, this explains why I rely on myself always. I fear rejection, disappointments and failure. These pessimism usually exude when i’m in a relationship.

I’ve been diving in the waters of facebook the past days, out of curiosity and insecurity I searched  my Bf’s best ex-gf. Their relationship took too long that had almost gotten them into the altar then they realised they are not the couple matched in heaven so they separated as friends. Eventhough, a tiny voice shook me inside leaving words to ponder ‘ How does she look like?’

So I typed her name and found her. A De La Salle grad  with a  BS degree of Physical Therapy now working abroad. Wow! she’s stunning. She has brown long wavy hair, almond-shaped eyes, a mestizalooking with some freckles on her pointed well shaped nose. She was wearing a smile accessorized with pearly white teeth and rose-colored lips. A classy chick I’d say. She’s chubby, has the kind of curves one can pose in an Ad that states ’ Fat and Hot’ with wowable cleavage beckoning. So far, those were my impressions on her pictures.

Then I looked at mine, I could pass as beautiful but not pretty. I held my fists high and concluded disappointingly that that’s just how cute my top is. She looked having the best time of her life and I’m stuck in my cell miserably. These realisations ate me inside. The consolations I had were the thoughts that, We could get married  and really reach the altar. Indeed I have kids but I’m legally single and I don’t come with a dowry so I’m cheap and my boys are lovely little monsters sometimes only. I felt the urge of  bombarding my Bf with text messages and my fingers listened on my subconscious commands. I texted him. ‘Do you really love me?’  ‘Have you been faithful to me?’ ‘How long could you hold in our long distance relationship?’  and  comments like… I know men, they can’t live without women’ ….and blah blah!  Naturally, it stirred my bf into anger mode. He had basked in the insecurity rays I emitted. We ended the day without the usual goodnights and i love yous.

I felt like a loser. I have perceived things will end the way it did but still I pushed through. Testing how far my bf’s patience would take us. Why I allowed such situations to make me feel I’m inferior?  Why did I feel that allowing myself to wallow in dejection and insecurity will make me satisfied?  Why did I tolerate insecurities to torment myself? 

Nurturing all the sorryshits I have in my head made me realise that I’m killing myself softly, that I need to get up and clean all the mess I did. Yes, the damage has been done but my apologies made things lighter. So, I promised my Bf that I would never discuss anyone not-so-important to us. That she’s just so lucky that I talked about her. And  I figure, the reason I wrote this is to acknowledge that it’s hard to fight an enemy who has outpost in my head. I need to clean the mess inside my head first then I could see a cleaner, clearer view of things.

It’s not about her cleavage or my Bf’s very tactful nature ( he never brings bad /old /dead  stuffs to life nor says bad words to his exes ) that made me insecured. It’s just all my way of thinking. I think I need to shift gears again.

Anyhow, these pessimism are just great spices of life!