mY naKed Thoughts

We tag him as the Big Bro. Bellowing anyone just with his height and weight. He is a man to reckon with specially when the situation spells trouble. He looks tough and acts as one. However, I cried a river when I feel the out pouring of his meekness when I read his blog.

UNEXPECTED LIFE

They say life is hard but I didn’t  expect it would happen to mine. I have parents who always stand at my side. They never left me. I had bought highschool diploma and entered college while hooked in all vices and troubles you could ever imagine.

It was 2004 when I had a chronic disease that I suffered for two years. I blamed God, I feared I couldn’t live normally anymore. I had so many regrets. But in the end I rose again. My family had always been there supporting me, praying for my wellness. When I’m down they’re there giving me strength. I think God gave me second chance because my family loves me and I loved them too but foremost of all the reasons, is for me to heal not just my body, and my life but also my soul.

During that tumultuous time, I met the woman I want to marry. Our situations almost failed me. I’m an under grad, no work, and problems we’re attached on me. But then, in all sincerity, I prayed and asked the Lord to give this woman I loved to be my partner in life forever and I promised to offer Him my life.

Prayer moves mountains. She became my wife. God blessed us with a very cute darling son named Wade wade. I thank God and my wife for giving me a son I thought I couldn’t have. I never thought I could ever be happy as a father and a husband. I can die for my family but then I have to live also for them. Work is very hard to find in Philippines so I decided to apply abroad.

I am now in Riyadh Saudi Arabia working as truck driver. My work is never been easy. I see accidents frequently. I once sent an injured driver with a totally wrecked face in the hospital. It shudders me thinking if same thing happens to me if I drift my mind off the road when I’m driving. Life is strange in the Kingdom. We experienced a lot of trials, sufferings and pain. This is like living in hell. People can insult us any minute they want. They treated us far differently in my country. They treated us like animals, no brain at all. “Mafe Mook” as they say but I accepted their brutal hospitality because I want to give the best for my family. Whatever they do to me, I thought it as- I earned bread on that kind of treatment. No matter how physically hard the work is, nothing can compare to the loneliness I felt when I’m alone at night. I miss my family. I cried to sleep thinking of horrible things that might happen to our family because of our distance. I’m jealous, I pity my self. They don’t know how I wanted to hug them and to be with them. I want to tell them that the hardest work of an OFW is not the work at all, its living away from home.

Yes, life is very hard but with God and for my family I know I will survive. There’s no doubt I’ll be coming here again if this is the way I could make them comfortable in life. All I wanted is for my family to be respectful, helpful, loving and God-fearing. Those  are just simple words but it’s the hardest thing to do.

We don’t know the meaning of our life but as long as we’re walking in the right path, God will pave the right way.

To my big brother Ricky:

Sometimes we don’t see things coming. However, everything only makes sense when we dig deep within our hearts. Then we’ll see the reasons of every pain, laughters and tears. It will bring out the best in us. Like perfumes from crushed flowers and  wine from pressed grapes. We’ll emerge strong and better people.  Stay a blessing and a positive influence carrying out His work. We love you always!

Sometimes I wonder if living in solitary existence is an anathema or a bliss. To see just a sole compatriot in this far away Kingdom 3x/ week ( the PT) and virtual meeting of friends is a poignant reality that I am indeed literally alone.

I just recently  pored into books. My nearest newly found companion who always talked to me mutely in myriad languages and yes, the mind-blowing Internet. Yet, before I met ‘them’ I usually just sat alone in endless hours talking to myself, thinking. I just now realised it was meditating. Cleansing my cornea’s tinted mirror and change it with rose-colored perception.

Aloneness ferreted me day by day. But then, I found myself. I guess, I can utter now, I’m good being alone. I remember feeling elated on discovering  things I didn’t know I have and be grateful about. I wrote everything passionately  in my journal regardless of how crooked my grammar is. I felt the burning flame of my words, inked clearly what I felt at the precise moment. I rationalised that pausing is giving my heart a rest. It was effective in combating forlornness and wound up effulgent.

Now, I see the odds and ends of the outside world in books and internet. My hunger to correct the errors of my writings, my dealings with my virtual friends and coping with the fast paced-internet. I am grateful of their presence. I’m happy to be  barraged with mails from friends. Time now flies like a spinning hub of the universe. It’s like breathing. It passes without my knowing. 

However,  there’s something I miss so much. The spending of my time in stillness. It had helped me mirror things visibly as clear as in still waters. With it, I heard the deafening silence. I’m emancipated on my inexorable wall. I can soar high, dive deep. Nothing fetters me.

I miss the solitude of self.

I miss the joy it brings.

I was in a total mess the past days. I’ve been roughed up again by one of my negative obsession in which most times I counteract. However, for some reasons I allowed my kindof  insecured being to prevail this time. I guess, this explains why I rely on myself always. I fear rejection, disappointments and failure. These pessimism usually exude when i’m in a relationship.

I’ve been diving in the waters of facebook the past days, out of curiosity and insecurity I searched  my Bf’s best ex-gf. Their relationship took too long that had almost gotten them into the altar then they realised they are not the couple matched in heaven so they separated as friends. Eventhough, a tiny voice shook me inside leaving words to ponder ‘ How does she look like?’

So I typed her name and found her. A De La Salle grad  with a  BS degree of Physical Therapy now working abroad. Wow! she’s stunning. She has brown long wavy hair, almond-shaped eyes, a mestizalooking with some freckles on her pointed well shaped nose. She was wearing a smile accessorized with pearly white teeth and rose-colored lips. A classy chick I’d say. She’s chubby, has the kind of curves one can pose in an Ad that states ’ Fat and Hot’ with wowable cleavage beckoning. So far, those were my impressions on her pictures.

Then I looked at mine, I could pass as beautiful but not pretty. I held my fists high and concluded disappointingly that that’s just how cute my top is. She looked having the best time of her life and I’m stuck in my cell miserably. These realisations ate me inside. The consolations I had were the thoughts that, We could get married  and really reach the altar. Indeed I have kids but I’m legally single and I don’t come with a dowry so I’m cheap and my boys are lovely little monsters sometimes only. I felt the urge of  bombarding my Bf with text messages and my fingers listened on my subconscious commands. I texted him. ‘Do you really love me?’  ‘Have you been faithful to me?’ ‘How long could you hold in our long distance relationship?’  and  comments like… I know men, they can’t live without women’ ….and blah blah!  Naturally, it stirred my bf into anger mode. He had basked in the insecurity rays I emitted. We ended the day without the usual goodnights and i love yous.

I felt like a loser. I have perceived things will end the way it did but still I pushed through. Testing how far my bf’s patience would take us. Why I allowed such situations to make me feel I’m inferior?  Why did I feel that allowing myself to wallow in dejection and insecurity will make me satisfied?  Why did I tolerate insecurities to torment myself? 

Nurturing all the sorryshits I have in my head made me realise that I’m killing myself softly, that I need to get up and clean all the mess I did. Yes, the damage has been done but my apologies made things lighter. So, I promised my Bf that I would never discuss anyone not-so-important to us. That she’s just so lucky that I talked about her. And  I figure, the reason I wrote this is to acknowledge that it’s hard to fight an enemy who has outpost in my head. I need to clean the mess inside my head first then I could see a cleaner, clearer view of things.

It’s not about her cleavage or my Bf’s very tactful nature ( he never brings bad /old /dead  stuffs to life nor says bad words to his exes ) that made me insecured. It’s just all my way of thinking. I think I need to shift gears again.

Anyhow, these pessimism are just great spices of life!

With all the Surrogate Mothers’ advertisements flooding the Internet, there’s no doubt that job vacancies on this field has been filled up already. Thus making me stop traumatising myself mulling on Humanity versus Science matters. I’ll wait till the existence of humanoid husbands then so i’ll fret again. For now, NO Vacancy! 

Instead I’ll better deal with my being human, my personal crisis. This gives me a ticket to be centric and self-indulgent. I’ll tell a story on my next entry but have a little sensitivity on your judgement to me guys!