mY naKed Thoughts

If you’re a Woman, imagine that your bestfriend discovers her self starred on a youTube video exchanging body fluids with a man. What will be your advice to her? Will you fix her DORA rat poison drink while helping her dig her own grave? or assist her in the assassination of the following : #1. the partner on the randy act  #2. the man who took the video and disseminate it ( that could possibly be the partner as well) #3. the person who watches the video (that could be me?! ! or you! )

Now, imagine that “bestfriend” whom you saw on the disgusting video reciting vowels A. E. I. O. U. with long, moaning deep sounds while shivering in hot sweat is Yourself. Will you follow thesame advice you’ve given? or will you stop in cold still and say, You’ve been in convent for how long God knows and so there’s no chance that you’re the one on the video?

If you’re a Man, imagine that you’ve found out that your bestfriend is filming his encounters with his girlfriend. Will you ask for a copy of it, reproduce and broadcast it in the internet?

Now, imagine that your buddy’s “girlfriend”  is your sister. Will you condemn such voyeurism instead?

For some reasons in our lives, we made bad choices. We can be the person either way in the situations. We all have dirty laundries or skeletons in our closets. However, those bad decisions will never be ironed out till we don’t shift our gears.

Changing gears meaning, choose the people you talk with and the topic as well. Changing the taste of your reading, viewing materials. Cut-off toxic people out of your life and keep on learning from own mistakes and of other’s as well.

Personally, recognizing the responsibility of the risks of the actions I did had given me second thoughts and realize that : ” i know i’m hot, but that’s not enough reason to post pictures for public consumption. “  or yeah I’m becoming dull to converse with nowadays because I’m no longer a sex enthusiast but don’t you think I’m talking with sense now? ” It doesn’t rankle me anymore whenever a blocked URL popped out on my window because I was searching  Liteorica  stories. I think, I need not wait my sex video with Hayden Kho to be released just so I’ll stop filming our encounters! hehe! just kidding

It’s never too late to wash our dirty laundries and bury all the skeletons we have in our closet. Do you think so?

In this ultra-conservative, extremely religious country where I am into, I am totally convinced that this is NOT a safe country to live in. Every woman’s life is in peril. It shivers me thinking the latest gang rape happened. Rapists flavor of the week, is a Filipina again. I couldn’t believe the abduction was happened in the mall where people are swarming around and yet no one tried to stop it. Sexual harassment is all over the kingdom. May it be blatantly offered- an indecent proposal or they will just grab your neck and hack you. I personally say I haven’t found a man here who didn’t show malice to me. This is not a haughty statement. Let me tell you the reasons why they see me as a walking meat.

First, because of the fact that I am a woman or they would settle to a female camel instead if there’s no woman present. Camels will do the trick. :-0

Check out the link and you’ll see how hungry these men are. I thought they’re are just dogs. You know, when you throw meat or bone to a dog, it automatically gnaws on the bone. But then, I’m dead wrong. These men even there’s no meat or bone or a skin shown, they will still wolf you!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b7000259ab

Second, because  I am a Christian and / or I am a Filipino. Ergo, their prejudice would be- I am liberal minded on sex and / or I am groveling for money.

Third, I am alone away from home and I am lonely. With their idiocy, they concluded that having them is one thing that I should be grateful of because they’re doing me a favor. This will be my debt of gratitude to these shameless pigs!

Lastly, I am just a dot to easily be deleted. A minutiae of persona. Words from a pygmy against of the giant with a turban. To whom will they believe?  Indeed I’m the perfect target for abuse.

I’ve been in Saudi for four years. Needlessly say, I’ve encountered a lot. All I could utter to myself now is to always be precautious. Though there is no safe place on earth, it still make a difference to be alert and aware of what is happening in your surroundings. Be careful to people and be careful to yourself as well. Temptations are lingering everywhere.

This really disturbs me. How I just so wish I am in Philippines.

Since five days ago I’ve been receiving everyday greetings ” Happy Mother’s Day” from my boys that made me wonder when the hell is actually the mother’s day? Finally It’s today.

I can’t help but chuckle reminiscing how my unruly boys warm my heart. There were laughters and tears. I remember, one of the alibi I used when I try to ask their permission that I’d like to tie the knot (hypothetical marriage only, cause everyday I dread the presence of few grey hairs near my temple and my shiny headed beau, they seemed glaring at me with words “we need to get married because we’re now antiques!” ) because I’d like to have a daughter to take care of me when I aged. Paolo, my eldest answered me back ” Kami diay dili namo na kaya?”  How about us, aren’t we capable of doing that? somehow I think he inherited my convincing powers I had pushing drugs to doctors when I was still a medical representative.

My first try unnerved them. I utilized another technique which I’d mulled carefully. I recall explaining the logic of Woman needs Man business. Family in general and couple in particular that there should be a wife and a husband. My wise-ass paolo again snapped me off saying ” Mama, can I be your husband? ” I laughed my heart out that I can’t stop broadcasting it to their tita’s and tito.  He was ashamed and did not  talk to me that whole afternoon.

Sometimes the simplicity and sincerity of their words hit me with a twinge of guilt. When Joshua my youngest son told me ,” Mama, dili ka malooy nako mularga naka wala pa ko naayo chicken pox?” Mama, don’t you pity me, You’re leaving, I still have chicken pox?” I felt I was losing my strength. I hugged josh crushing him in my arms deforming the chicken pox crusts on his skin.

When I started serving my two year contract/sentence again in my cell here in Saudi, they kept on sending SMS to my roaming ordering me to cancel my remittance so I can save money and that I can be with them the soonest time possible and so we can kiss and hug all the time (that’s according to them ). They even threatened me that if I’ll be stubborn enough not to follow their order, they will not text me anymore.

In my past posts, I always said I wasted almost a decade performing insanity in my old world. The only compliment I got are my kids. They’re my trophies in all my failures. Though I still have little regrets on myself, I thank God for giving them to me. Paolo and Joshua gave me my self back. They taught me that to be a Mother I should be a Woman first and to be a woman essentially I should require myself more to have love and be treated with respect. Besides how can I love them if I don’t love myself? How can I give something I don’t have?

Let’s celebrate motherhood.

Happy Mother’s day to all Moms!

It’s like I stepped a landmine. Whether I’ll remove my foot or not, reality of the past of not-so-nice-matter to- tackle with will explode on my face soon or sooner than I expected. It pays off of not revealing YET all my vulnerability. Though I believed, to not screw up your future we have to be open and friendly with our past. I found it hard to abide. I’ve been running exhausted away from my past since ages but friendster made things too easy that if profiles have hands, I’ve been slapped by reality left and right. In a second, I was taken aback, fight or flight response? undecided to face it or not. But I wound up thinking, what the heck! lay all your cards on the table lady, come out clean and get on with your life!

I saw the profiles of the stepsiblings of my boys viewing mine. My profile that spoke honesty in my blog posts about myself and reveals pictures of my beau. Needlessly say, their father saw it as well and maybe reading this now with seething emotion or disdain or ironically maybe happy that I’ve found a human companion now. Anyhow, I don’t care what he thinks. Maybe this can be a medium of our communication, hopefully a sober one.

 My pictures boldly say I’m not sagging the middle of my mouth now but I’m lifting it’s corners. , in short, I am happy. That sole image was not me four years ago since I was using pain as leverage from the pit I was stuck into. I still hate myself sometimes for the precious time I’d wasted, for being self-destructive. I wasn’t aware that human needs brain to function properly and competitively now I realized all life needs are just charm and common sense. I was always acting out of an impetus, on what I feel at that moment.

Just a click, it’s all at the tip of my middle finger. I disclosed my boys stepsisters’ profile linking me to another two more profiles of their stepbrothers and more extended family’s of their father side. It’s like opening a flood gate. River of truth flows.

The truth that our past programs our future yet it depends on our personal rhetoric on how we perceive certain things when it happened in our life. This is what I perceived on mine. I have to know and acknowledge my history so I can walk out of it. An openness of heart, a closure of the past will change all things. For the nextdays that will follow, I’m expecting more friends request.

Truth shall set us free.

Now, I am free.

Gone are the luxuries of free Vitamin Ds. No more basking in the morning sunshine and the warmth of glowing monlit sky of the midnight. No more empowering feeling from scrutinizing people without their knowledge. My fave abode, the rooftop is now closed. It’s locked. Off to the world! How miserable this kingdom is! Ha!

Luckily, the lock up didn’t fetter my imagination. Thus, I’m still free, soaring as the wind! Alive, kicking and laughing till my jaw was in pain when I know the funny story…  well for me it’s funny behind the sudden change of the rooftop policy. 

This is the story.

One humid evening, when air was present only for breathing. A highly reticent soul of a woman was lost in the abyss space of the rooftop. She roamed around, flipping and shoving every thing she sets foot. The weather temperature dropped way low making the environment of the Kingdom too hot. She was restless and feeling hot and sticky and annoyed. She had desired of removing the inconvenience of wearing the long heavy cloak covering her whole body and the piece of cloth on her hair. Her steaming senses  should breath some air. Baring skin was not supposed to be her.. or at least their religion told them so. Nothing should be seen on her except her face and her hands. No one should see her naked. No way! But, no one was there! she thought. Everyone was on their deep slumber. But there could have been cockroaches or perhaps ants. Does it matter? 

She’s tired with the domestic job she performs everyday on this freakin building for a decade long! Fed up of abiding the meticulous policy of their faith. She wants to let go her self. All her inhibitions! all of it! In a flurried movements out of impulse she strips her clothes off like a banana about to be eaten revealing all the nakedness of its fruit.  She took a deep breath and grasp the mobile on her pocket and dialed her beau’s number. ” .. hello! Are you sleeping inside the car? look up! im here!”  Her man was confused! Half asleep thought, “Was it her? “I think it’s her!”, Yet, He needs to confirm. He needs a picture to validate what he saw. Zooming her from the  ground floor to the rooftop. Click! click!  

That was the night. He woke up shouting! How come his mobile was in his co-worker’s hand?! Atini! Atini jawal! meant to say, “Give me my mobile!” but it was late. Way too late. The picture was already bluetoothed by his fellow clod.

That shocked the hell out of the old fashioned family she lived with, had hit rock bottom every single brain working below the rooftop.

tsk! tsk! Rooftop will never be thesame again…