mY naKed Thoughts

My friend Jean told me, I have a complicated life. In my defense, I retorted, Yeah! I HAD a complicated life. It wasn’t all bad, those almost a decade of 8 wasted years…

Because God never slams a door at your face without opening the roof of the house, or a group of Christmas carollers at door step (or however that old adage goes) A lot of things happened to me on that pit.

I was young, still a green-horn in life though oozing with idealism which was still not gnawed by the insanity of the world yet got flummoxed by the enormosity of the word LOVE, or maybe it was just an infatuation or lust mis diagnosed as pure love or whatever it was , The tumultous relationship i had, gave me fortitude and equanimity. A friend told me she defines her broken marriage (due to her husband’s womanizing) as her downfall. I would rather look at mine as my evolution. A woman with strength and power is born and now taking control over her life.

Then, it had also given me P&J. My amazing, emotionally intelligent kids. Just last occasion they greeted me Happy Father’s Day. I exclaimed, “I’m not a father!” but Paolo the eldest said, ” You’re both our father and mother” My heart had almost skipped a beat. I wanted to cry and sail the pacific ocean that  instant to be with my kids, but I can’t. So I settled by asking them ” Want to watch movie or go to Jollibee to celebrate?” and they answered, “It’s ok Ma! How many sleep more, then you will be home? I replied, ” soon baby, soon..”

I remember an inspirational story i read long time, about the 20$ bill was found on the floor. It was crumpled, half torn, squalid looking maybe due to people who has it before, passed from one hand to another. But when people were asked who owned the money? Everybody wants it. That’s what we are. We will never lose our value. We might have been torn in pieces but our wholeness and our worth is within us.

When Oprah said, There are no failures, only lessons learned. It opens my mind. Of course, she did not said it to justify all the futz she did when she was younger. An unwed mom at 14, eventually her baby died just a week  of living. But i understood she said it, correlating all the experience she had on her life. That’s how I think that scarred people are beautiful. The passion to life, the empathy to people, the downs and falls, all the collective emotions will make the person understand the reality  of life.

Let’s live and learn.

It’s funny that at my jurassic age of 32 soon, I just begun to consider other people’s opinions for any decisions i ‘ll make.

On the contrary, when I was 19. I thought I can live my life alone. I eloped with a man 11 years my senior. My family condemned me. Totally disowned me to the extent that they wanted to migrate to other city. My community was aghast. These are not exaggerated words. Indeed, If people regarded a person with high respect and expectations.. and in one fleeting moment she’s busted! Sure, you can’t expect anyone to still imbibe you. People will vomit you!

My community had elected me as a Youth’s Chairman had beat up three male running mates. They were thinking and expecting I could be a responsible leader and a good influence to youths. Well, I had played politics good I had made our youth’s community as number one in our city during my term, (their other expectation, I think i didn’t met it) then with a graceful exit, I abandoned the post and ran away.

To further the story, the relationship with the man i eloped with who is actually the father of my kids, was a disaster. A tumultous relationship. We used to follow our theme song ” let’s get physical”  and everyday, we religiously sung it with bruises. It took me eight freakin years to pull myself out of the shit.

Modesty aside, I survived it all. I gain myself back and have proven my worth again to people.

It’s just so ironic that im in a situation right now, where a respectable man asked me if he could visit and spend Christmas with me (just visit huh!) I now could not make up my mind. As you see, I have always been on mettle  during a long time massive lifestyle upheaval and now I can’t decide for myself. I panicked, like a school girl. To make it worst, my parents seems has already ended their  guarding responsibility of me, has washed their hands off and said I could take care of myself now thesame way I took care of bunch of people at home.

My father will sure not ask the man now with challenging questions but I realized If I truly want to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian.

Although my self-concept is still intact, soliciting advice and asking for my family’s approval now (though i’m not really comfortable doing it) is not a symptom of meekness. I’m just trying to be safe.

Better safe than be sorry again.. rayt? besides, I had almost annihilated my intire family in our city because of the trouble i made. If i’ll strike another one again, my family will sure gather their collective efforts to buy me a one-way plane ticket to planet  Mars. That’s spooky. huh!

There is that rosy glow in the sky again.The full moon I’m staring at illuminates the entire area I could set my eyes on. It gave me warmth, a sense of belonging on this strange country. The fact that I’m ten thousand miles away from home, I still felt home is within me.  Stars has always been so sympathetic of what i feel. It kept me company on my melancholic moments. I even called it as my harmless insatiable impeccable lover, for it never leaves me. I’ts there, just a stare away.

Right now, standing next to the parapet of the 5-story building.I’m lost in my deep reverie of what happened yesterday. They wanted me to renew another 2-year contract. That is supposed to be a simple Yes or No answer yet i’m in a total dilemma of what to decide. A contract renewed meant almost doubling my compensation. Fair enough for my hardwork (actually the work ain’t hard but being her shock absorber is.) Good enough for my patience to this emotionally, physically mentally unstable patient. It isn’t enough to compliment my absence at home, though it will work out.

However, these are not the reason of my aprehension. I’ve long been working out a plan. I’ve been a Private Nurse for half a decade and I dont have a plan of serving the other half more. I want to take my licensure board examination to finally become a Registered Nurse  (since I eloped soon i graduated and never found time to take the exam after that) but the nearer i get into pursuing it, the stronger the need and accessibility of work beckons me. Part of myself has told me, I don’t have to do it.. because that is not really what I would like to be. I don’t feel working in an alcohol smelt facility. I would rather be staying under the heat of the sun doing community service, the work i loved most. But part of it also says, i’m a liar. I could no longer bury my head on the sand and hide in denial. The truth is, if I admit, that the job that i have now is no longer what I want will sure make a huge change on everything. Besides, I know at the back of my mind, what stops me of pursuing what i want is my fear to fail.

I remember my brother Randy. Two years ago, A drunk motorbike driver had hit him, his body was tossed on air with the head came first to the ground.  He has bloodclots on the brain, unable to identify us all. It still shudders me remembering his blank face. But what I really had not forgotten is his courage to surpass all and get back on track again. He had stayed in hospital for a week. Nourished with ton of medicines. Rested at home for a week and alas in two weeks time..he’s up to go! He enrolled on second semester in his 3rd year and walked like a Zombie in school. He was all white..pale! I was with him..worried. I thought that time, He really is motivated in realizing his dream.

It got me to my thinking today, my fear to fail is the reason why instead of me working out my dream, I’ve supported my brother in all his financial needs because I want him to reach it for me.

Sometimes I wonder if Ants are more stable than human being. They’re on my feet now, I don’t wanna step on them because I know they will fight till their breath’s end. These little creatures are mighty warriors in life too. I just stood still and got amused with the way they walk, like with a single line that has to be followed. Kissed or bowed when they meet their people. What really got my attention is they’re resourceful enough to find other way and get back on track again against my wanton blocking of their way.

Unlike human, unlike me, just with a single slap of misfortune and confusion. I’m down. I lost my focus, my purpose.

But I know, I’ll get by. I’m just in a U-turn. I’ll be on track again racing for my dreams.. getting what I really wanted in life.

God’s will.