mY naKed Thoughts

When i was in kindergarten, my teacher told me to write down what i wanted to be when i grow up..

i wrote down, H A P P Y!

She told me, I didn’t understand the homework…

I told her, she didn’t understand Life!

Of course, This isn’t my true story. I wasn’t brillant when i was young. Actually, I was kinda stupid then and now that i’m older I choose to act stupid sometimes. LOL! I posted this funny text message sent by my brother because i felt there is some truth in it. Everyone wants happiness in life.

Happiness is a broad word. Anyone can define it at their own perspective. Though for others it’s just a heart beat away, to some it is nowhere to be found.

When I was 10 years old I had defined happiness as P/100.00 My Ninong ( God Father ) usually gave me during Christmas. The amount  had always soared me high whenever it landed on my palm. I was very happy that I had such a big amount in my pocket.

At 15s… It is Hop, Amuse, Play, Pretend— life is all Yours.  Sources of happiness are from here to there. Actually, I didn’t know where… that’s why I messed a lot. I was a confused teen. Unaware that it is just within oneself.

At 20s.. Happiness is Paolo and Josh. Though life sank ironically I had defined a sensible meaning of it. It’s not the having-of-what-you-wanted.. It is the your-giving-of-what-other’s-wanted. Indeed, Love made sacrifice a pleasure.

At 25s.. Happiness thru things don’t last. It’s just  superficial. Believe me, money, house, car.. material things that were acquired had not given me the meaning of lasting happiness. At this time, I was working with the third richiest man in the kingdom and yet I chose to leave my work for happiness wasn’t there. Instead, it is, when you sleep with your clean conscience as your soft pillow.. then happiness is with you even in difficult times.

Happiness is not a living thing thus it can’t be measured. It can’t be seen, can’t be touched nor smelt but we  can feel it. Yes, everyone may see a person happy but only the person can feel the warmth.

At my age now, 31 precisely, i would want to define it again along with the years of ups and downs experiences.. Happiness is the beauty of sacrifice. The feeling when you are being needed, respected and loved. When your spirit soar high because you have followed your inner guidance not because you have dollars in your pocket. When life is full of zest, hope and faith. When it doesn’t matter what other people think about you, instead.. It is what you think about yourself.

When we have felt all of these..  We will find ourselve’s smiling just with the thoughts of how our life has become.

Let’s celebrate life! Let’s be happy.

I was reading the latest news about the Italian couple who shocked the world of believers and left the Northern Cecena Cathedral in Italy on grave shame.

The couple was found having sex inside the confessional box while the mass was going on. They claimed to be atheists. They were cautioned for obscene acts in public and disturbing religious function. Last week the couple had finally repented. They said they had been drinking all night and realized they had gone too far. They had ask forgiveness and made peace with the local bishop and he had given it. The bishop then celebrated a ” mass of reparation ” in the cathedral where confessional box incident took place to make up for the sacrilege.

I haven’t been in Rome. But is Rome really an overwhelming place of love and romance to the extent of triggering people’s sexual urges uncontrollable? But they’re not in the exquisite Hotel Romanico Palace in the heart of Rome. They were in the church confessional box! Was the meager size of the box and songs of worship playing added to the excitement and passion? Huh! i think the first punishment God had given them for their abominable act committed is the unbearable coitus interruptus! and second they’re wrong to think that their secret is safe as much as our sins well kept on the confession box because theirs is out and the whole world knew it!

I have read from somewhere that women need a hundred reasons to have sex, and men only needs a place. Well, i think this situation therefore concludes that.. First, The place doesn’t play a role. Second, It takes two to make a stupid sexual decision.

If the place therefore not a big deal… then what is it?

Maybe it’s our moral values? I do not have the clean hand to discuss about morality because some people have different views and definitions of the word. Everyone has drawn the line of norms differently. However i would say that it doesn’t take to be an atheist to do such thing. Some atheists i knew don’t despise religion or mock our church. Indeed, they have different understanding about the earth’s existence and they don’t believe there’s God… but that’s it!

It seems to me morality isn’t an issue anymore. People have different views on pre-marital sex, concubinage, adultery and sex itself. What matters to me is, one should be responsible of his / her own doing. When you wanna do bad things, do it good. Don’t mess around with other people’s lives. Besides, the issue is just between you and your God.

Maybe we could blame it also as the fault of our  hormones? plus the alcohol intake?  Indeed this is a good excuse! that’s why the church bishop granted his forgiveness. Maybe the bishop understands also that we are all sexual beings. If we are sober enough to think of the right behavior in the public then why do some people chooses to satisfy themselves in movie houses, public toilets, etc for a quicky or whatsoever. Huh!is this what they said, The spirit is willing but the body is weak?

This left me with a thought..  do our sex hormones (Estogen-Progesterone and Testosterone) really can control our lives?  if Yes, then i would say, life is really a big joke! and i don’t get it!

A - An accomplice who will admonished you at thesame time.

B - Believes you’re a good egg even you’re a little cracked.

C - Contagious influence of your personality.

D - Dispute you always and yet still get along well together.

E - Excuses your ignorance.

F - Fanthom your abstruse reasons.

G - Gulp the absurd you.

H - Heartened your spirit when you wallowed in dejection.

I - Infinite critic of the real you.

J - Journey with you even you’re a lost wanderer.

K - Key of your hidden abode.

L - Lends a helping hand.. and cash too, when you’re broke!

M- Mauls your head off when you cease your brain’s function. 

N - Normalize your illogical thinking.

O - Owes you a deep of gratitude, and still you’re the one paying.

P - Picks up the broken pieces of you.

Q - Quits your worries and fears.

R - Rubs the dirt off you.

S - Scapegoat of your stupidity.

T - Tenderize your callous senses.

U - Understands the peculiar you.

V - Values the freakin friendship.

W - Welcomes your apology with open mind.

X - X-ray visions your heart and brain.

Y - Your shock-absorber, your alter- ego as well.

Z - Zaps you back to reality in your moment of temporary insanity.

Beyond time, beyond distance.. Friends are always in my heart.

I miss the DJC Jammers! Rosy and Ann! I’ll see you guys soon!

She works as fast as the Flash!

With wits and guts of WonderWoman!

through Ups and downs…

She’ll stick and hold on like Spiderman,

plus with the strength of  a SuperMan!

she’ll soar up up and away! Unstoppable! She’ll get what she wants.

…..and yet like any other superheroes, Her heart is her weakness.

i know her!   She’s Super MOM!

I am not a super hero. I’m just a mom. A single Mom by choice. Being a single mother requires superheroes skills to survive. Indeed, this is the heaviest job on earth. A challenging job. In all aspect, it’s exhausting! whew!

Albeit the hardships i would say, this is the only job where sacrifices are pleasurable. I’ve been a single parent for 5 years. (Geez! i never thought i’ve been alone that long already!)It wasn’t easy. My hard-headed, rebellious nature made things harder. Even up to my kids expense, i can’t put down my pride, I still make things all by my self. Never relied or accepted help from anyone. Even if it means i can only give my kids necessity and not their luxury. Thanks God that along the way of my single blessedness (LOL!) i’ve realized a lot of things.

I have realized foremost that i only have Oneself to rely on. I dream…I work.. bearing ownself as the only source of everything. Less expectations, less disappointments. I prided myself with my independence.

Secondly, I’ve realized that relationships are not just all about love. It goes with responsibility and commitment. Relationship should be in a complete package like Me and my Kids, Packaged just what we are!

Third, I’ve realized that whatever the society had labeled me or us, I’m still a whole person. We are still a family and We have a life. A healthy Life away from was a harsh environment filled with anger, bitterness and lies.

Lastly, I’ve realized I am Loved. Though nothing is present yet on my left ring finger or haven’t decided yet to change my surname, I love Myself.

I didn’t mean to encourage unhappy wives to leave their marriages. I just wanna show life is good even if we’re single! We have a lifetime to decide who we want to be with, or if we wanna be just with ourselves and kids alone for the rest of our lives. Besides, we already know what marriage is.

If life sucked yesterday, careful today for tomorrow i hope history won’t repeat itself.

I was jolted with the unsteadiness of the scarred chair i stepped on. I moved forward tiptoed at the edge, trying not to put all my weight on it. It is a risky position.. i might fall from a 5-story building, but i didn’t mind. I wanted to be at the edge of the roof’s top fence. To view the uniformed boxes below… and i did it. I saw the pale yellow colored luxurious jail contained people from different countries.

I’ve never been literally imprisoned in my life, but working in the kingdom made me see houses as jails. The only difference from living in a real restricted facility is, We received monthly fees. Our salary.

My hands might not be cuffed like a prisoner but the the Abaya and Tarha i wore when outside restrained me. The black garment that covers us from head to toe is not just an inconvenience but also serves as a wall that hinders us to show each personality we have. The tarha precisely seems killing me. I can’t breath good, it’s incircling on my neck. I can’t walk easilly, the abaya is too long that i stumble sometimes when i stepped on it. We’re like penguins walking down the street!

Oh i missed Philippines more! The summer sun that bathed my skin. The free flowing hair danced on my shoulder.. and the warmth of the friendly people’s smile. sigh!

That wasn’t the extent of being in a restricted facility. More importantly, FREEDOM. Our tongue was tied up. Our beliefs are not acceptable. Our words are forbidden… especially when we’re talking about religion. That should be kept. Luckilly, (i’m not sure  actually if i should be grateful on it) ….i’m not a religious person. I preferred to be spiritual. I believed God wants spiritual truths than religious nuts. I can pray even im in the bathroom or on bed. My spiritual duty is done just by talking to my God earnestly. However, i pitied those people who’s praying paraphernalias were taken from them. How they sacredly valued those things and yet just thrown in the trash can..considered as garbage… Pathetic!

Everyone talks about how hard it is to work in M.E. The adjustments one should undergo. The policies one should abide. The homesickness that has to be ignored, to alleviate the pain, to ease the loneliness.

I just dont know why the hell filipinos keep coming here especially women. This is a sad reality. What saddens me more is, i’m one of them. I just don’t know why i’m here too… I swear! (liar!) But what i know for sure is, i’m going home in four months!

For the meantime, i’ll bleed myself to dry. No words to nourish my spirit. No fun.. live a dull life. Like oasis in the heart of Sahara desert, draining each day…

Wilted..Dried.